My Journey

Out of the way world, here I come!

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 17:05:21 GMT

Today is a good day. Yesterday was a better day. I finally was accepted to college. I will be going to SVSU in the fall. I'm very excited. I also was granted "independent student" status to help me with financial aid. I have been looking into different art schools and have found a few I'm really interested in. I have info coming from schools all over the U.S. it's going to be hard to decide. In other news...I'm going to be in Las Vegas in 10 days!!! YeAAAYY!!! While we're there we're going to the Grand Canyon. I can't wait, for photography reasons obviously. Josh is afraid that I'm going to be so busy worrying about getting good pictures that I won't have any fun. He wants me to relax that week. Relaxing isn't something I do. Taking pictures is my fun, especially finding the BEST picture. Thats fun and exciting to me.
I think I'm finally getting somewhere all things considered. I'm gonig to be going to school soon, and art school after that. In a few days I'm going to leave my state for the first time in my life, thats kind of symbolic to me, things are changing. Bring it on. I'm ready for the world.

hopeless...

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 19:50:42 GMT

I've got the cabin fever feeling again, the feeling I'm trapped and I'll never get out. The feeling of utter hopelessness. Hindsite is 20-20 right? If I could go back and redo everything past turning 18, I would. Money choices wise anyway. I would have NEVER got a credit card. I wouldn't have excepted the student loans I got, I would have just saved my money to do something better with. Instead of just throwing it away every month, paying interest. On the brightside, I sent out about 6 resumes to local photography studios. Maybe something will come of those, perhaps they'll get me...somewhere other than...retail. Theres nothing to learn from retail. The only retail (well retail and food service) has taught me is that people, as a general whole, suck. Not the individual person, I like most people as individuals, most of them are civilized. It's when they are just the faceless public that my loathing of them begins, they are like cattle. They flow with the herd, destoying whatever happens to be in their wake. Espeically during the holiday season. People are interesting. I love people watching, I just don't like watching them destoy what I'm working so hard to keep clean. It pisses me off, it turns me into a seething pile of hate, and then the word vomit starts. I don't like that side of me. I'd rather be friendly. It's hard to undo what people as a whole (and quite a few individuals) have done to me. Not for lack of me trying. I have to go do something my brain hurts.

so sleepy...

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 16:10:21 GMT

I'm so tired. I didn't get much sleep last night. Josh was sick so I was up with him most of the night. I'm at a coffee shop right now, trying to wake up. This is probably not the best place to try to wake up, but I love it here. It's got the right environment for me to concentrate on writing, or just wondering around some websites. It has lower lighting, and a 50's diner style floor. Everything else is very modern and new age; the ceiling is the exact opposite of the floor, it's a bunch of potato sacks sewn together. In short, it's laid back and comfortable here. Not too long from now I'm not going to be able to come here anymore. I'll be back on school full time, and living with Josh's parents, it wont't be easy to sneak away then. I'll miss it.

On a different note; I've finally figured out what I want to do. I want to be a writer. That's what I'm best at...I'm not sure if thats saying a lot...but it's something I like doing. I like the idea of writing books about traveling. Plus it gets me out there. All I have to do now is finish school...I wonder if I could do these things without going to school. Because I don't know if I'll be able to finish it...scary thoughts.

!@#$

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 19:10:07 GMT

I really gotta wonder why my life has to be so complicated. I just want to go to school without having to sell plasma to get there...(I wonder how much a liver goes for on the black market...) My parents barely make enough money for food, and I have a couple hundred dollars worth of bills a month. But I don't show finanical need! so I have to get more in debt and have more bills a month because the only student loans I can get are UN-F'N-SUBSIDIZED!! I live in the permenant valley of depression; stuck right between to proud to give up, and wanting to off myself. Makes me the poster girl for prozac. Better yet, I have no talent, I'm not good at anything...so I have to go to school if I want any hope of someday having a life...Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

new job?

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 18:01:22 GMT

I think I may have a new job... I had an interveiw at ritz camera yesterday. It sounds like I will get the job but she wanted me to find out if Meijer would work anround their schedule. Meijer won't. So I have to call her and let her know. I hope I get it.

Fresh from my favorite website...

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 16:27:19 GMT

I still love photographycorner.com but I feel so dumb when I read what other people have to say. I thought I knew at least a little about photography, but I guess I really don't after all. Some of the other members are so much more creative than me. It' makes me wonder how I ever thought I'd be able to do this...My pictures are really not that good. Even the ones I was so proud of before...It's very discouraging.

new addictions

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 19:44:03 GMT

I have found a new website, it caters to the photography obsessed folk like myself. I love it. You can post your pictures and talk to people about them, instead of annoying loved ones with;"Hey...hey hey, look at this picture...anything you think I could have done better?!...What about this one?! I think it's to...." unless you live in a family of photographers, they will probably say anything to get you out of their face, so they can get back to "more important things" (as if ANYTHING is more important than photography ::scoffs::) It's nice, getting to talk to people about photography, people who understand it, who love it. It's a new thing for me. I'm just getting into serious photography, (I'm also just getting into taking my life seriously, at 20 years of age) I want to learn and I'm open to criticism. (I didn't used to be.) Anyhow, It's becoming addicting. Just what I need another addiction. There's nothing really wrong with this one, except I can't afford another hobby/addiction, and no matter what it is, addictions take money. Money, I don't have.

A fresh start

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 18:49:01 GMT

I am starting this journal to practice writing, seeing as I've never been one to religiously keep up a paper journal, I figure I'll have better luck with the electronic variety. I need to practice writing, journal writing in particular, because I've finally decided what I want to do for a living. I want to be a travel writer. I love traveling and photography, and I like writing, at least I do when I have something to writing about. It all fits. That and I will be the first to admit I'm not stable enough for a "real job", the structured nine to five type. I'm too...free willed. I get bored to easily, and I like variety. Actually, variety is essential to my existence...a nine to five job would kill me. (If I didn't terminate it first, which I likely would.) Another function of this journal is to figure out who I am, I spent so long being who everyone wanted me to be, I don't know who I am. On a final note; if anyone reading this finds it hard to follow my thought process, I apologize, but if you read my profile, you were warned. I told you it wasn't going to be easy and likely very boring.